For serious. I am.
But there are a few subjects that I am . . . well, not dishonest about. But they certainly make me squirm, and I'm always quick to change the topic whenever they arise in conversation. I'm talking about novels, of course.
Or -- more precisely -- Novels I Haven't Read.
I imagine that everyone who considers themselves a great reader has a similar list. A list of books that, for whatever reason, they just haven't gotten to yet. Important books! Books they're sure to like! But books that have been set aside for other books again and again and again.
Against my better judgment, I'm coming clean. That's right. I'm publicly revealing MY SECRET LIST OF SHAME.
But before I reveal MY SECRET LIST OF SHAME, allow me a moment of explanation. As I'm easy to guilt by nature, there are many unread novels I feel bad about. Moby Dick always springs to mind. The only part I've read is Chapter 94, which is the same chapter anyone who has ever taken a class on GLBTQ literature has read.
I am, of course, referring to the sperm squeezing.
In case you're unfamiliar, allow me to enlighten you with this excerpt:
"Squeeze! squeeze! squeeze! all the morning long; I squeezed that sperm till I myself almost melted into it; I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me; and I found myself unwittingly squeezing my co-laborers' hands in it, mistaking their hands for the gentle globules. Such an abounding, affectionate, friendly, loving feeling did this avocation beget; that at last I was continually squeezing their hands, and looking up into their eyes sentimentally; as much as to say . . . Come; let us squeeze hands all round; nay, let us all squeeze ourselves into each other; let us squeeze ourselves universally into the very milk and sperm of kindness. Would that I could keep squeezing that sperm for ever!"
Awesome, no? And it goes on forever! Much longer than that passage.
Anyway, as much as it makes me want to read Moby Dick (and it truly does), Moby Dick is, let's face it, A REALLY REALLY LONG BOOK. A really really long book about whaling. And every time I remember that -- the longevity and the whales -- it sinks a little lower on my "to-read" list.
But I'm not embarrassed about Moby Dick. Because I'm definitely not the only writer who hasn't read it. Did I mention it's really really long? And about whaling? (And other stuff, obviously, but mainly WHALING.)
No, the books that embarrass me are the ones directly related to my field. Five young adult novels that everyone in my (admittedly smallish) industry circle seems to have read but me.
Okay, I lied.
These are the four young adult novels that everyone else has read, and the one classic novel that I can't even speak its name aloud because of the extreme humiliation factor. Because EVERYONE who loves my favorite kind of books -- kissing books! -- has read it.
EVERYONE!
I AM THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH WHO HASN'T READ IT!!!
Or not.
But why am I sharing my guilty secrets with you now? Because I'm tired of feeling ashamed every time these books are brought up in conversation. So I'm going to read them. This May.
And I know I could've done this without ever admitting to you that I hadn't read them in the first place, but . . . where's the fun in that? Besides, this way, maybe you'll share some of your dirty, non-read secrets too! In my comments perhaps, to make me feel better? Pretty please?
And maybe those of you who are feeling extra-bold can vow to read some of your shameful secrets this month too? I mean, think of it this way: May is the PERFECT month for a shameful bookfest. Because by the time the month is over, summer will officially be here, and then we'll feel scot-free to read as many vampire romance novels as we wish!
VAMPIRE ROMANCES FOR EVERYONE!!! (IN JUNE!)
Ah hem. I am stalling.
Fine.
Here they are on my nightstand, fresh from the library, awaiting to be read:

MY SECRET LIST OF SHAME
(1) The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing, Traitor to the Nation, Vol. 1: The Pox Party by M.T. Anderson
Why? Because it won a billion awards. And already I own Volume 2. And how great is the title?
(2) Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
Why? Because she's a fantastic writer. (Fever 1793 was soooo good.) And this is required reading for, like, every high schooler now.
(3) The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
Why? What? Of course I've read The Book Thief! How did it get on this list??? Ugh, this one is MAJORLY cringe-inducing to admit. You can pretend you don't see it here. I'm fine with that.
(4) Uglies by Scott Westerfeld
Why? Can I please stop explaining why? This is so humiliating. Everyone only says this is the coolest sci-fi series ever. That's all.
And (gulp) . . . my most SHAMEFUL SHAME of all . . .
(5) Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
Why? I am going to go die now. Okay? Bye bye.
Why? Because it won a billion awards. And already I own Volume 2. And how great is the title?
(2) Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
Why? Because she's a fantastic writer. (Fever 1793 was soooo good.) And this is required reading for, like, every high schooler now.
(3) The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
Why? What? Of course I've read The Book Thief! How did it get on this list??? Ugh, this one is MAJORLY cringe-inducing to admit. You can pretend you don't see it here. I'm fine with that.
(4) Uglies by Scott Westerfeld
Why? Can I please stop explaining why? This is so humiliating. Everyone only says this is the coolest sci-fi series ever. That's all.
And (gulp) . . . my most SHAMEFUL SHAME of all . . .
(5) Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
Why? I am going to go die now. Okay? Bye bye.